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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.